i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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