The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
