why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
