I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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