I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
