he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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