hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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