Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize