did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
