I just pynch a tree in the face
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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