I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
