i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
