I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
