I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you will always have a special place in my vag
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
