So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
