I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
