Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
