Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
