im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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