I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
