ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He felt like a one man threesome
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize