I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
