I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
