sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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