remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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