My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
