I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
