his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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