either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
