I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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