I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
