Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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