I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
