I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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