I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
