i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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