PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize