On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My dick has a subreddit
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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