She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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