Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
