We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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