my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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