I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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