I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
