you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
