I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
