i think i have herpe
just one?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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