Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
