I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
