cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
