Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
