dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh god it's open bar.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
