Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
