Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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