Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
