If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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