Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you're hired as official boob wrangler
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize