That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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