I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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