Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
