you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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