Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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