In the future we'll all be gay
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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